Se défigurer

C’est drôle comme cette idée de me défigurer me paraît pertinente. Comme si le désir était assez puissant pour ne pas s’épuiser au cours de l’expérience. Car il est évident qu’on ne pas mourir sans cesser de souffrir ? Si j’avais la réponse je ne serais plus là.
En attendant je suis déterminé à faire ce qu’on voudra de moi. De toute façon je n’ai pas réellement le choix. La maladie me tient et ne me lâche pas. Cette lourde fatigue, ce lent épuisement. Cette difficulté à parler, à écrire. Exactement ce qu’il fallait pour me faire désespérer. Ou plutôt pour finir de me désespérer. Après tous ces échecs, ces erreurs de parcours. Et surtout la prégnante conscience de mes fautes. Bien sûr irréparables, sinon ce ne serait pas drôle. Car le but est bien sûr de me faire plier. Pas seulement s’imposer la culpabilité, pas seulement s’arracher de sincères remords, mais enfin réussir à me défigurer, à faire de moi un autre. Peut-être plus joli, agréable, efficace. Peut-être plus conforme à la nécessité… Qu’importe, en vérité. Si j’avais ce pouvoir je ne serais plus là. J’aurais enfin trouvé le moyen d’oublier ce qui me souffrir. Trouvé enfin moyen d’effacer le passé, ou mieux de le changer.
Pour l’instant je ne suis que pressé de partir. Pour pouvoir enfin cesser de me traîner ainsi. Pour pouvoir enfin cesser d’accommoder mon désespoir sans parvenir à le chasser.
Je ne sais pas s’il faut se contenter de ça. Je veux dire du désir de ne plus être là à m’entendre gémir sur mes erreurs passées. Ceci sans même parler de la futilité de ce vain exercice.
Si ce n’était que moi je pourrais te parler. Et tu m’écouterais, et tu me répondrais, et on pourrait trouver moyen de se comprendre… Ce serait inédit, et sans doute agréable. Du moins je l’imagine. Autant dire que je suis vraiment trop éloigné de la réalité. Et qu’il existe encore moyen de s’amuser. Par exemple en comptant les squelettes cassés. Sans même décider de les reconstituer.
Et la boucle est bouclée. Il n’a jamais été question de se défigurer. C’est plutôt le contraire. Il vaut mieux arrêter de lutter contre soi. Ça ne marche jamais.


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