Désordonné et impuissant

Le siècle se termine, et nous avons vingt ans. Et là je m’aperçois que j’ai tout mélangé. Ce n’est pas amusant, mais c’est un peu vivant. Du moins le genre de vie que je peux encore vivre. Bien sûr c’est ridicule, c’est mélodramatique bien au-delà du raisonnable, mais ça correspond bien à ce que je ressens. Une vie à refaire qui ne le sera jamais. Bienheureux si je puis au moins écrire ces mots, et rire un peu de ma tristesse. Et Dieu sait pourtant que celle-ci me pénètre, me traverse, m’abat. Je ne veux pas mourir avant d’avoir chanté combien je vous aimais, vous les partis trop tôt, vous que je n’ai pas su garder auprès de moi. Je n’ai pas de passion, je n’ai pas de maison, juste un paquet d’amour désordonné et impuissant. Tout ça n’est pas très drôle, décoratif ni amusant. C’est juste pitoyable. Un gros paquet de larmes qui demandent à sortir et qui sont si nombreuses qu’elles débordent de partout. Enfin cela n’est rien. Cela me passera. Rapidement j’espère.
« Je vous fais toutes mes excuses. »

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