Une ornière creusée

On ne se souvient plus. Mais ce n’est pas pour ça qu’on a tout oublié. C’était déterminé, il fallait tout oublier. On n’avait pas le droit d’écrire le passé. On n’avait même pas le droit de songer à le faire.
Mais qu’importe, c’est fait. Sans même avoir à y songer. Ce qu’il faut assumer, c’est tout ce qu’on aurait préféré oublier. Car comme par hasard ce n’est pas le meilleur, qu’on a pu conserver. Seuls le vice et la peine sont restés accrochés. Enfin, si l’on peut dire. Car ce qui est resté n’est pas si bien accroché que ça. C’est juste une habitude, une ornière creusée par un trop long usage. On croit pouvoir s’en écarter, on tente l’escalade, mais chaque fois on y retombe.
Qu’importe, en vérité. C’est le cas de le dire. On ne va pas chercher si loin qu’il y paraît. On fait le tour de soi, on se regarde vivre, et on se dit que rien ne justifie cela. Cet endormissement, cette envie d’oublier que ce que l’on voulait était trop difficile. Qu’on aurait dû penser à mieux se protéger. Qu’il y avait certainement des précautions à prendre.

Bien sûr il faut creuser, ne pas se contenter de l’amère défaite. Mais par où commencer ? Et comment retrouver l’envie de surmonter cette difficulté ?
Car tout cela s’impose avec une vigueur qu’on n’avait pas envisagée. C’est assez colossal. Monolithique, en vérité. Je n’aperçois aucun de ces petits chemins où j’aime à m’égarer. C’est de l’adversité en acier certifié. Pas moyen d’ignorer qu’on nous a dit et répété qu’il fallait renoncer. Que c’était un chemin réservé à certains, qu’on n’avait pas le droit de s’y aventurer.

Enfin tout ça est creux. Beaucoup trop compliqué. Beaucoup trop pétrifié.


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